if you like me you must not know who I am
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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