walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
