We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize