So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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