Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
