he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize