apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
