he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you're hired as official boob wrangler
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
