The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
