Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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