I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
