Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
