Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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