I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
