I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's never too late to be topless.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
