Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
