I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Randomize
