i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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