So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize