Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So squirting runs in the family.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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