what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
