Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
