did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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