he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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