I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
