If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
