If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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