That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
