i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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