walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
