can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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