i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
