mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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