So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
