my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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