if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
