Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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