Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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