Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
