My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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