I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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