your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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