I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
