You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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