I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
