Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
