I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
