Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
