i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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