how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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