On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Your dad touched me again.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
