Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The struggles of a small town man whore
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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