Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize