if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
