i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No subtext here. People are naked.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My dick has a subreddit
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
