dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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