i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
