i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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