First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
