lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
