Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
