I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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