i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
