Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
