I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
