Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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