A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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